Rick Jensen's Hacking Hullabaloo

Breitbart News is reporting federal border agents have been warned by their superiors of a serious threat by ISIS to cross into the United States. Five major banks recently suffered the theft of terabytes of customers’ data by hackers. Every day, 2,000 Americans such as yourself have their identities hijacked by thieves stealing money from credit cards, medical cards and social security accounts.

So why is the FBI wasting valuable time and talent searching for hackers who stole naked selfies and cellphone porn videos from wealthy celebrities who are stupid enough to put recordings of their naked behavior on cellphones and “clouds?”


When anyone’s important information such as bank and medical accounts are hacked, it’s certainly a crime to steal such data.

When someone is stupid enough to document their own kinky behavior and post it to an internet account, is it really so surprising that celebrities’ and angry ex-lovers’ raunchy behavior gets into the hands of the public?

Surely this is a civil offense at least and crime of privacy invasion, but a case for the FBI?

Were these men and women assaulted by paparazzi who took clandestine photos of them engaged in a private romantic embrace unbeknownst to anyone but the sleazy paparazzi, that would surely be a crime.

These women and men took the pictures themselves or gave consent to another to take the pictures.

Attention! All you women who ever posed for “Girls Gone Wild”: Those images will show up one day either during the job interview process or later in your career and depending upon your career choice, it may pose a bigger problem than you ever thought while chugging cheap beer for “Drunk Dougie the Video Guy.” Let’s just say it would be helpful if you can sing like Vanessa Williams. If not, your story may have a different outcome than hers.

Maybe they just don’t know you should have a password on your smart phone and the “cloud” is just an encrypted database, not a magical safety pillow protected by wizards and unicorns.

The cloud is a network of servers so large and so widespread that they can contain Terabytes, Petabytes, Exabytes, Zettabytes, Yottabytes and ABigOldMessOBytes of naked celebrity pictures just waiting for that lonely 45 year-old hacker living in his mom’s basement to find just the right fantasy pose Jennifer Lawrence uploaded that day.

Isn’t it also a bit of a stretch to believe an actress who starred in the teen sex romp “American Pie” or the pages of Playboy has somehow had her “image” or “reputation” damaged by someone hacking her naked pics online?

Embarrassing if she isn’t wearing makeup or photoshopped, perhaps.

Does it surprise you that over a hundred narcissistic actresses had their naked photos and videos hacked?

Maybe I’m the only man in America surprised that over a hundred actresses, many of whom are very successful and rich, actually take videos and pictures of themselves engaged in sex acts or suggestive naked poses and post them somewhere other than on a DVD locked in a combination safe no one could break into except truly ambitious paparazzi.

This would be a very popular assignment for young, virile FBI agents… and perhaps more so for the not at all young or virile Cialis-chewing agent.

“Yes, Kate Upton, these images seem to be you, but by golly gosh-aroonie, we just gotta be sure for the sake of our country, so please get nekkid.”

Okay, it’s certainly a crime to steal someone’s data, even if those billions of datapoints look like Kate Bosworth doing naked jumping jacks.

But is this really a case for the FBI when their skills are needed for important security work?

If you’re saving naked whoopee pics and videos of yourself on your smart phone, maybe you and your smart phone could use a little education.

© Copyright 2014 Rick Jensen, distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

This column has been edited by the author. Representations of fact and opinions are solely those of the author.

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1 Comment

  • Because Mr. Obama has never outgrown Hollywood, Rick, just like some women mentally arrest at 16 because those were the happiest days of their lives.