“So, when can I have a Saison, Doc?” “I’m putting you on percocet.” “Right. How long before I can have a beer?” ”24 hours after you’re off the painkiller. Hmm… do you have a drinking problem?” “If you consider paying five dollars for one bottle of good craft beer a problem, then, yes.” He just looked at me, confused. “You’re a wine drinker, aren’t you, Doc?” “Yes,” he answered. I asked, “Can you imagine enjoying the aromas, mouthfeel, complex flavors and finishes of finely crafted beers?” He studied me, took my pulse and replied with a straight face, “Maybe I should change your medication.” “Thanks, Doc, enjoy your Chardonnay.”
Two days later, I took my last percocet and contemplated what style would be best for celebrating a successful hernia surgery. Something muscular like Smuttynose Brewery’s Porter? Nothing says, “I ain’t got no hernia” like a beer label emblazoned with a carnival strong man hoisting a keg with one arm and a fabulous circus babe with the other! While meditating upon choosing the appropriate post-op beverage, it occurred to me that we live in a world festooned with creatively named craft beers suitable for special occasions. It also occurred to me that I wouldn’t use the word “festoon” unless percocet was still playing its ineffective little games in my blood stream, so I still have another day before imbibing. That gives me time to share this important “Hand-Tooled Specialized Craft Beer Gift-Giving Guide” © Percocet Productions
The best generic beer gift for any celebration: Ayinger Celebrator. This malty, delicious doppelbock is also equipped with a toy goat so you don’t need to buy a gift!
When your buddy works 30 pounds off his spare tire the hard way, reward him with a case of Fat Tire Ale, New Belgium’s toasty amber ale. When he finally finds the courage to ask for a date with the fabulous babe he’s been obsessed with for a year: Stoudt’s “Smooth Operator.” And when the date goes south because she’s “just not that into him,” commiserate with a “Surly Hell” lager. Should he then repay you with a glass of Thirsty Dog Brewing’s “Old Leghumper,” you can reply with a stein of “Old Ringworm.” Um… Old Ringworm is actually an awesome old ale brewed by McNeill’s in Brattleboro, VT. It took awhile for me to work up the courage to actually drink something called “ringworm.” Pouring a deeply cloudy copper color, the malts and spice continue from the nose to the palate. Still no infestation.
Female friend or co-worker having a bad day? Don’t say a word, dude. Just nod, smile and say, “I understand.” The only positive life lesson ever learned watching Charlie Sheen in “Two and a Half Men.” While you’re empathizing, offer her a can of “Momma’s Little Yella Pils” (Oskar Blues Brewing, Lyons, CO) … with chocolate.
And when you get the promotion despite that jackass in the office who trashes you every week? Celebrate by giving him a bottle of Stone Brewery’s Arrogant Bastard ale.
I’ll bet you have some great ideas for beer and event pairings, too! Send them to the email address below. I’ll just use your first name (or mysterious email moniker if you prefer) unless you want full name credit. Just let me know.
Don’t stay thirsty, my friends, Slake It!
Today’s column was inspired by a Harpoon’s UFO Hefeweizen, pairing well the German ale yeast’s citrus aroma with a breezy, warm summer day. Yup. That was my post-op choice!